Heh, Duthight wanted me to post his "Encyclopedia of Lamers" It's very amusing and I hope you all get a kick out of it
It's somewhat out dated though
Here goes:
Avid users of GraalOnline’s server will be familiar with the fact that lamers are everywhere. The very purpose of their existence is to make our gaming lives miserable. Whether its because of their sheer ignorance, their gargantuan egos, their compulsive swearing, their lag, or their uncanny ability to "pause" just when they have one heart and you’re about to finish them off, they wind up ruining the experience for you nonetheless. Because their numbers are so frequent, and because of the fact that they have infested virtually every nook and cranny of graalonline, there is nothing we can do to get rid of these lamers. The least we CAN do, however, is to pass on our knowledge of their ignorance to other players, so they can know what to expect when they log onto graal servers. So, without further ado, I proudly present:
The Encyclopedia of Lamers, Vol. 1
Lamers, as the general term goes, can be broken down into several distinct breeds. Herein I have enclosed a list and description of all the different types of lamers. Read and learn about the perils of our time, for the tides of ignorance are sweeping over us.
I: The Pauser
The pauser is probably one of the most abundant of all the different breeds of lamer. Unlike all of the other breeds, s/he can be divided into two distint groups. Be on the lookout for both of them.
A) The blatant pauser: "F*ck U! I dont wanna f*cking lose, u *ss, so Im gonna f*cking pause up yer d*ck! then Im gonna scr*w yer mom, f*cker!" This breed is much rarer than Breed B because they often get their accounts deleted nearly every day. They are easily avoidable, however, It is breed B, however, that poses the real threat:
B) The secretive disconnector: The Breed B Disconnector is slightly more intelligent that Breed A, and his IQ can at least be COMPARED to a vegetable. A conversation with a Breed B Pauser just as youre trashing him up may go something like this "Wow! Great Spar! You rock man! You beat me fairly and squarely, and I have nothing but respect for you! Thx for a Spar! You earned your win! Oh just a sec" Pause….30…29………3…2…1…”unstick me”. The reason it is so hard to catch a member of Breed B and prove them a lamer is mainly because of the fact that they will never openly admit to be a pauser. An interrogation of an accused pauser by a neutral player may result in the pauser saying something like this: "I often get urgent PMs. All throughout the spar, I get all these messages that I need to reply to. It just so happens that I got an important message that needed replying, or one of my friends needing help in the 'heated moment' of the battle. I searched for him for 10 minutes after I finished to give him a win, but he had logged off, or somethin. Othertimes I have such bad lag, I have to stop or it just wouldn’t be fair for me to die" The statement made by the one who got paused on, however, may be slightly contradictory: "He didn’t stop once to “answer a PM” and he was moving faster than I was. He wasn’t laagged at all!” He logged off graal right after the spar to avoid a confrontation with me." Unfortunately, it is often the one who got paused and/or disconnected on who tells the true side of the tale.
In order to relieve the frustration of being paused and disconnected on, one must first realize what a large percentage of a pauser’s life revolves around Graal. Here is a detailed account of a phone conversation a Pauser had with his girlfriend. This should give you an idea of how much he just hates losing in Graal:
G/F: Hey, big guy! Its so cold in here, and I cant find my clothes!
How about coming over here and keeping me warm?
Breed B Disconnector: "F*CK! B*TCH! THIS *SSHOLE HAS GOT A F*CKING LIZARD SWORD DOIN 1.5 DAMAGE EACH TIME HE F*CKING SWINGS! HAVE YOU ANY FRIGGIN CLUE HOW MUCH F*CKING DAMAGE THAT DOES!? IM GONNA LOSE THIS SH*T B*TCH OF A SPAR!!!!! AND ABOVE ALL THIS, YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL AND SUGGEST SEX!! F*CK OFF!!!
II: The Cheater
Although the latest versiion of graal drought has caused this breed of lamer to become closer to an endangered species status, there is a possiblity of its return. So, as a precautionary measure (and for posterity) I will post some background information on this rare breed of lamer:
A close examination of the life of a cheater will reveal that he is trying to pass fourth grade for the ninth time. The children in his class shun his sickly, hunched, gargantuan, and profusedly sweaty form. The girls dont take to him either mainly because of the fact that his index finger has been stuck in his nose for the last month. His parents view him as a dissapointment. Thus, fate inevitably leads him to the internet, and then to graal, something he found when lloking up zelda stuff, where he hopes to become appreciated by becoming the number 1 sparrer.
A few spars reveal he cant fight ****, and thus he goes to the internet and downloads a hack so he can get somewhere. That is all that is known about the sadistic ways of the cheater.
III: The Newbie
There are many newbies that are accepted on graal. Those with stats like 5 hearts that are halfway through the CC quest are viewed as thriving young learners of the ways of graal. There are the isolated, *****ic few that d/l the game, install it, make an account, and log onto graalonline without learning anything first. They will cause you to lose all patience by harrasing you with idiotic questions like "how do I change my head!!!" and "what are those little yin-yangs for!?" and "I cant hurt that guy who’s paused!!" and "whats lag?" They will drive you insane. You will never log onto graal again in fear of having to answer any more of their questions.
IV: The AOLer
The AOLer breed of lamer has the infamous ability to virtually halt the graal server, or simply reduce it to a snail's pace even if s/he has a "good" connection. In a spar, he just rushes and enthusiastically starts swinging his sword at his opponent. However, by the time his swings have reached the server, he has been killed, or perhaps too lagged that his opponent had to move on! His messages take about 7 minutes to be received after they have been typed. He causes everyone to leave the server, They would rather log off than have to face his lag. He is more interested in chatting rather than playing, and his mass messages alone make the server even SLOWER!!! He often magically receives 340 EMails out of nowhere, and says "oh joy! Ive got mail!"
It is not very easy to identify an AOLer until after the spar has started. Sure, the fact that he starts spearring and shouts "you lag more than anything Ive ever seen! Get abetter ISP! Heeheheeee heeee wanna chat?" is a dead givaway, but its unfortunate that this message is not received until 10 minutes into the spar. The safest thing to do is simply stay away from anyone who magically appears in place after place across the screen, without moving fluently, no questions asked.
V: The Foulmouthed Punk
This rather rude breed attempts to compensate for his lack of strategic play by showing off his massive command of foul language. The moment he starts a fight, he says "hi, u *** *** *ss!"
When the fight starts to heat up, he goes tells his unfortunate clan member "help me, b*tch!" then "why the f*ck do u have to turn out so f*cking far, *** b*tch." He is losing, and U save him from almost certain death. "Not bad, fer a *** b*tch. But U couldve gotten yer f*cked *ss over here faster, mother f*cker!" You soon decide not to help him anymore. He keeps sparring. "what the f*ck is this *** sh*t! Yer a *** f*cker!!!! F*ck U!""***!!!!" He then pauses and goes to the unstick me zone, thouroughly proud of himself, and of the fact that he can vehemently express his intimate feelings. The others, meanwhile, are talking about how much of an idiot he made himself look like with his conglomeration of foul drivel.
continued.....
12-31-2001, 09:42 AM
Muroshi - Lead Developer for Agaroth
There is alot of us.
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