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Originally Posted by xXziroXx
The players, obviously, but also potential new players.
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I feel as though you're not exactly achieving this with the current news that you have posted. I'll give you an example.
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We on Maloria will be releasing yet another very limited, and permanent, item in the shape of the Cupid's Bow! Along with it, you'll also receive 500x Cupid's Arrow. How to get it!? Just log on player! This offer is limited to February 22th.
During the next couple of days, the events system should be up and running, which means we'll try it out and possible give out some other misc. novelty items that will never be given out again.
We are also getting closer and closer to applying for a Classic inspection, however, the remaining work isn't some of the funniest things to work at. We're at a complete halt until we're able to find two/three dedicated and talented LAT's, that would be interested in tiling the sewer dungeon with our custom tiles.
So, if you're interested, please get in contact with Nate (bioboi) or Ziro (xXziroXx).
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At first glance, this post seems pretty solid to someone who might be a Graal veteran. However, herein lies a problem: it's aimed at Graal veterans. In the first paragraph, you are already making use of terms that might seem universal, but most certainly are not. Logging onto "player" is a term coined by Graal regulars; it is not something a new player would understand right away. In the later paragraphs you continue to make use of Graalian jargon, talking about things like a "Classic Inspection" (Even a lot of Graal veterans might not get this), LATs, and custom tiles.
I feel as though it is really unnecessary to use that many jargon terms and explanations from a 'behind the scenes' view. This can easily be solved by simply using more universally understood terms. Logging onto Maloria, being accepted to join the public list of servers, level designers, etc etc. Mastering a language means that you should be able to find a dozen ways to word any one sentence just off top of your head.
English is clearly not your first language. Saying things like "February 22th" is an obvious display of this. Illustrating the point further, you say "...however, the remaining work isn't some of the funniest things to work at." Any person raised speaking English as a first language would recognize the awkward feeling. Plus you're ending it in a preposition.
As a side note, you suggest that players get in contact with either yourself or another presumed member of staff, but no contact information is offered. I will assume that this is part of your strategy to get players on the server itself, but it might achieve the opposite, and appear to be too much work than it's worth to readers.
The graphics are tacky, uncoordinated and the content is cheesy. I hope if you do get the position you're applying for that you'll try to improve on this stuff, because at current I'm not really feeling it and I know I'm not alone in this.
03-08-2009, 09:50 PM
Linear Mode
