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Almighty, you might want to write this down on your thigh, but it's for your own benefit.
Two weeks after arriving in the prison, alert any security guard that your last pants were too tight, and ask for something in red, regardless of the clothes you were wearing. You shouldn't ever hear anything about new pants again. 4 to 5 days later, a guard will yell down your hall that they have a cake for someone. Say it's yours from your 7 year old brother Max's birthday. He'll give you the cake, but keep a good 2/4's of it.
In the next few hours, a different guard will walk down the hall way holding a full cake identical to the one you just ate. He'll offer it to you, but you must decline it. He should walk down the hall 3 more times offering you it as thought he didn't before. Say it's not yours each time. A different guard should walk down the hall with an undecorated pound cake several hours later. If he asks, it's yours. If he doesn't, beckon him over and ask what it's for, and he should give you it.
Now you'll notice it has a candle on it. Ask him if it would be possible to have it lit, for nostalgic purposes. He'll leave with the cake, and return with it a few minutes later, but it won't have a candle, or a hole where the candle had been. Do not question this.
Now this is the important part, because from here, the entire secret "code" could fall apart. Take one bite of the top layer of the cake. Do not chew until a guard is within range of being able to see you. Chew exactly three times, and swallow. You'll notice it's like cotton candy, dissolving as you swallow. Make a disgusted face after swallowing.
The guard will ask what was wrong with the cake, and tell him it is very flavorless. He'll take it and return with a new cake, chocolate with nice icing. Do not eat it. It contains a very powerful base that will eat away the lining of your stomach and cause your stomach acid to eat through your body.
Go to the front corner of your cell, and use your fist to make a crater in the top of the cake. Using the plastic spoon the guard left you, poke your gag reflex in your throat. I know it sounds odd, but throw up in your cake.
Now, you have roughly 20 seconds to act, as your stomach acid will have mixed with the basic cake and created a powerful acid that's eating through the cake and the paper plate below. Throw the cake, crate-top first, at your cell door or bars. It should quickly eat right through it, and leave the surrounding area easily bendable.
Leave through the main entrance/exit, telling anyone who questions you "It's about the pants". No one should stop you except the last man you pass. He'll give a map with one labeled landmark, a Shell gas station. Walk there. Don't run, walk, it's a long way.
After a good 3 hours of walking, you should arrive at a run down gas station, but not a Shell. In front there will either be a brown van of any make, or a beat up Schwan's delivery van. get in the passenger seat, wait approximately 12 seconds, and then say "this is fairly uneventful". From the back, the driver should come. Say nothing. He'll drive you to an abandoned building, where you will take an elevator to an underground CIA headquarters.
No one will question you. The trick you used to escape from your prison was a code all guards are familiar with. It's what undercover agents use when they need to abort the mission. You will start a new life as a powerful government agent. Your parents will be informed that you were a secret agent who died in the line fire, they'll receive a purple heart on your behalf, and you'll probably get a memorial in your hometown.
Upon arriving at the headquarters, find "Block C.6", you'll be given directions to your new house, car, background story, education, past jobs, everything. Your new life will be written out for you, and you'll take a private jet to your new home (It's usually in Utah). You'll be free of taxes and bills for the rest of your life, and if you ever break any law, from murder to J-walking, simply give the officer any BS excuse that relates to your "7 year old brother Max's birthday". That is code for "CIA business noob".
Good luck. |
07-13-2008, 04:54 AM
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